You have the right to…

Among the stories from this weekend this is one that I can give details on.

Characters: Me and Ev and the Pt Cruser
Place: Downhill in Maryland

A Ups driver is in the middle of the road flagging us down and pointing to a pull-off in the middle lane.
No wait, that’s a Maryland cop!
Do we have anything on us? Just Ev’s piece that I’m aware of.
“Son, we’re pulling you over because you were going 75 in a 65 zone. Can we see your driver’s license and proof of insurance”?
Just a speeding ticket nothing to worry about, right?
Around us are about 7 cops and a K9 vehicle. One of the cops is resting on the hood of that vehicle pointing his radar gun right through us towards the top of the hill.
I make some comment about us getting cancer.
Another car gets pulled over in the same fashion and is directed to the other side of the highway.
“Sir, do you have anything in the car we should know about?”
before there’s time to respond
“We’re gonna bring out the K9 unit to go about your car.”
London, profiling, random baggage checks…seems like our rights are getting waved in the name of national security.

They bring out this cross-eyed lab who’s detection signal must be just wagging his tail because that’s all he did, but they said he sensed something and now we have been asked to exit the vehicle.
“You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you…”
My head is swimming.
To Ev, “do you understand these rights?
“Well..”
“Yes or No?”
“Yes”
I didn’t hear anything. I’m just formulating a way to ask a question without my teeth ending up looking as bust-in as this guys.
“You sir, do you understand these rights?”
“Yes, but I have a question.”
“…”
“Don’t you only read the rights before a person is arrested? Are we under arrest?”
“Sir you car was just searched by a specially trained K9 unit. He detected possible drugs n the car and we are now going to check your car.” To Ev, “Sir, you can’t get in trouble for answering this question, but has there been any drug use in this car in the recent past?”
Ev as calm as possible, “ I don’t really know…’
“Yes or NO.”
“It’s possible”
Further questions arise, but the common ones. Like if he was the owner of the car, where we are heading, what does he have in his hip-pack thingy (I later find out that is where is piece was, but he hid it from them by putting is fingers in the way when they looked in. lucky genius).
They get all our information that was already available on our driver’s license (hair color, home address, etc..) and we make small talk with Dudley Do-Right as they tear apart the car looking for something to justify this search and their pension. My toothpaste container is now open and being checked.
They find Ev’s sage stick (looks like a huge blunt, but there’s no wrapper, just bound white leaves and doesn’t smell anything like drugs.
“Sir, what’s this!?”
Ev, “It’s sage. You burn it. It’s used to ward off evil spirits”
(I just about broke out laughing there.)
They take it back to the truck to analyze.
Another cop has found my Vicidan and showing it to another cop. I see this and quickly respond with, “It’s an old prescription I have for a back-problem”
“You know you are supposed to carry it in its orange bottle.”
“But I’m going camping and the bottle is cumbersome” (yup, I said cumbersome)
Around this time another cop is coming across the highway. Tells another cop that they haven’t found anything, just a lot of “what-she-calls Catnip, that stinks to high-heaven.”
We make more small talk with the cops to smooth things over.
They joke about arresting over 50 people that day because of drug possession and how that near-by rain gutter has seen more than a keg of underager’s beer dumped into it.
The drug enforcement “specialist” with the piercing blue/clear eyes comes next to us and tells us that they haven’t found anything and we are free to go. In his hand is a little plastic vile with black liquid in it. This is the residue from the test they did on the Sage. Had it been any type of drug the liquid would have turned purple.
Ev gets just a warning for speeding.
Now these guys are acting like our best friends.
“Have a good day””Be careful when you pull into the ‘hammer’ lane”
(What the fuck is the hammer lane???)
A: it’s the passing lane
“Guess you guys have never been truckers?”
(in my head: “We’ve also never been 45”)
As we start to pull away we see the lady in the car across the lane in handcuffs walking towards were we just were.
Realization sets in and I laugh hysterically relieved. Ev however, is analyzing what the fuck just happened and trying to formulate some way to sue those bastards.